The Despised: Part Two

Behold, the second part of the exploration of what cars should burn in an Automotive Hades.

Our segment this time? The four-door sedan.

The subject is the Mercedes-Benz CLS (2004-Present).

No, it's not a bad looking car. Not at all. In fact, it's quite nice looking. The slightly awkward headlights are the only thing that keep it from being beautiful.

The back is quite nice as well.
The line running down the side, just over the door handles, really helps emphasize this car's length. It's quite sleek and stylish.

So why does it deserve to burn for over a thousand years? Well, let's look at it from profile.
There are four doors on this car. That, naturally, makes it a four-door sedan. Simple, yes?

No. Mercedes-Benz single-handedly managed to make a new market segment with this car. They call it a four door coupe.

Now, a coupe is a two-door car. If it has four doors, it's a sedan. This is how the world has worked since the automobile was first invented.

Calling this a four-door coupe is like calling a house cat a lion. Yes, the cat may hunt. But it can't run down a zebra.

This car may have a plunging roof-line, but it's not a coupe.

That is why this car must roast, it made a market segment our of thin air. People want different vehicles, that's a fact. That's why the car market has turned into a mishmash of SUVs, CUVs, station wagons, hatchbacks, sedans, coupes, and various styles of trucks.

It's how the free market works. But when a company markets a product as something it's not, it cannot be ignored. Retribution must occur.

So, naturally, others retaliated.

By doing the same thing.

Like Porsche with its Panamera.

And Aston Martin, with its Rapide.


Even Volkswagen got in on the game.
It's called the Passat CC. The "CC" stands for Comfort Coupe

Audi and BMW are supposedly going to come out with one each.

See, it's a virus. Create a ridiculous, pointless market niche and people will just flood into it.

I'm not saying these are bad cars. Actually, all are quite good. However, the segment that they're in, that's ridiculous. When someone creates a niche that's totally unnecessary, it's the sign of a marketing man not trying hard enough.

So, no, overdrive isn't necessary.

However, a large mallet to pound some sense into the marketing men around the world? That is necessary.

The Desiped: Part One

Behold, a short collection of five vehicles that should be thrown into the deepest level of car hell. All five are from different segments of the market.

The first? The Chrysler TC by Maserati (1989-1991).

In the late '80s the CEO of Chrysler, Lee Iacocca (the man who saved the company the first go round) decided that the Chrysler brand needed a "halo car."

A halo car is a model that will, supposedly, be so incredibly great that its aura of awesomeness will extend down through the model line.

So, Iacocca called up his friend Alejandro de Tomaso (the man who owned Maserati at the time) and asked him if he was busy. Regrettably, de Tomaso said no.

This is what they came up with.
It's a convertible, though this particular picture has it with the detachable hard top on.
Here it is with it off. Now, this has a manual, repeat manual, convertible top. On a cheap little convertible, that makes sense.

This wasn't cheap, it cost $30 thousand. That's like saying, "Yes, I want my 6o grand Mercedes, with GPS. But I don't want power windows or locks."

If the car was sporty, in any possible way, it might make sense.

But it wasn't. This car was front engine, front wheel drive, and based off the K Car platform. If you don't know what a K Car is, take a look at this:

Yes, that just screams "sporty, Italian built, convertible material."

But maybe if the interior was any good it could be justifiable.

Nope. Plastic fake wood veneer and chintzy plastic air vents don't equate luxury.

Aside from the interior, it's not such a bad looking car, but it's just not a good idea. It cheapened the Maserati brand and made Chrysler look like a bunch of overpriced, overreaching idiots.

Chrysler killed it when sales bombed. They wanted to sell between 5 and 10 thousand a year. Over the three years it existed they sold 7 thousand, total.

So, no, overdrive isn't necessary.

However, a large pack of C4 explosive next to the gas tank? That is necessary.

Build It, Ford. Build It Now.

Behold, Ford's rear-wheel drive concept car from 2007: the Ford Interceptor.

Now, I'll admit, it's not the most beautiful car in the world. Actually, it looks like someone may have dropped the clay model on its nose and they decided that they liked the squashed look.

Even still, this is a design that just works. It's not a rolling piece of sculpture like an old Jag, or even a new, modern, angled design like what Cadillac's doing. It's a new interpretation on the muscle cars of the '60s.

It's power, stamped in metal.
The front end is like a locomotive: blunt, wide, and terrifying to see bearing down on you at around a 100mph. However, if it looks somewhat familiar it's because almost all Ford cars have a very similar grill.

They're just much, much shinier.

The rear end is actually one of the nicest parts of the car.
The rear is just as sawed off as the front. But, it's cleaner. There's just a chrome line running the width of the car, and two large, but simple, taillights.

The interior's simple too. But that doesn't mean it's not a nice place.
It's black leather, with metal trim. Real metal, mind you, not the face plastic junk that used to be in a lot of cars. Granted, if they ever built it (which they should) that would change. But it just looks so nice.

And yes, the headrests are mounted to the roof.

Now, in case you didn't notice it, that is a manual shifter sitting in the console. To go with the Interceptor's 5.0L V8, Ford put in a 6-speed manual transmission. Why?

Because the RWD sport sedan is a very popular market segment. All the German companies, even Porsche now, have sport sedans. The British have them. The Japanese (except Honda) have have them with their luxury marques.

Ford doesn't.

Well, technically, they do. But the Crown Victoria and its multiple offshoots don't count. The chassis that they're built on is 30 years old, and the car hasn't been updated since 1998. It's ancient and valuable only to cabbies.

Ford needs to build this, they need a RWD sedan. This is a viable option, if they could just find the time and money. But mostly the money.
Make a Lincoln version of this and all will be well in the world.

All they have to do is just tweak the design a little, and make it a little prettier, a little curvier, for the average consumer.

But they have to keep the engine. It has 400hp on tap. That definitely makes overdrive necessary.

Style, Courtesy of the British

Behold, a wonderful example of British engineering: the Bentley R Continental (1952-1955).

It's rolling artwork, an inline-six powered masterpiece. This is when form was greater than function, when "styling" was used instead of "design."

Gaze upon Bentley's work, and rejoice.

The upright, chromed, grill and pontoon fenders running into the doors give this car class. It reeks of money and power.

I'm assuming, of course, that it's a good smell.

The rear is just as stylish.

The tops of the rear fenders, fins if you will, help channel airflow and stabilize the car at high speeds. Since it could go over 100mph, it was necessary.

Those small fins look really good too, don't they? A bit of flair, but with that sense of British restraint.

The interior is just what you'd expect.

Wood and leather, anything else is metal and just a little bit of plastic. Really, not much has changed in the British motor industry. Get into a new Rolls-Royce, or certain Bentleys, and you'll find the same things, just with modern technology.

In fact, a year ago, Bentley came out with a car that carries on in the R Continental's tradition.

The 2008 Bentley Brooklands:
It's gorgeous as well, but in its own, more muscular, way. The curves of the Continental are gone.

But it still combines styling, comfort, and power into one complete package.

Both the R Continental and Brooklands that perfect mix of performance and luxury. It's a mixture that, happily, makes overdrive necessary.